Friday, June 24, 2011

Exposition: For the love of 80's MTBs.



There's a lot of kurfuffle we all go through in choosing our bikes. We want a bike that... Well, we want a bike to suit such a myriad of uses that it's impossible to narrow them down. That's why I have 3, and shed blood choosing which 3 specifically they would be. It's the same reason Brian Price has 20 or 30.

Read on, dear wheelperson!


But then there's that gnawing, existential, theoretical question that the chiding minimalist in all of us* brings up from time to time: What if I could only have ONE? Or, more realistically, our clueless non-bike friends come to us and are like, 'hey, I wanna bike. which one should I get?' There are lots of answers to that question too, the most honest of which is 'If you're dealt one card, play the *#$t out of it!' Meaning, whichever bike you end up with will be just fine. But after many years of scrutiny, extremely scientific tests, and soul-searching, I've found the most logical answer to that question is the 80's Mountain Bike.

Because they're awesome. Primarily because they are the opposite of the American psyche: They are simple, non-flashy, reliable generalists. You wanna ride a trail on one? Great! Go picnicking? Perfect! Climb the alps? Get you there! Ride every day in Salt Lake in the rain? Hello fender clearance! Tour the continental US? Front-end loads are welcome here. Lockup at the bar? Nobody wants to steal it! 80's MTB's do all these things, and they're still a TON of fun to ride. Hopping curbs like you're 13 has never been easier, and upright bars mean you can actually see that Dodge Ram bearing down on you with anger in its radiator vents.

"Wait" you say, "I crave mad efficiency! Won't a 700c slick tire be thousands of times more sleek and frictionless?" Positive feature #2 (or 4,000, I lost count) is that they're also brilliant transformer bikes. Throw some slicks on that sucker!

Lemmie back up. I'm in Palestine. Bike shops exist but they're not exactly burgeoning with options. BUT STILL armed only with around $100 and some ingenuity I found an 80's MTB and transformed it into enough of a slick-tired touring beast that I'm intensely happy with it and actually don't have pangs of nostalgia and homesickness for my other 3 bikes when I ride it, which is saying something.

WITNESS, ye unbelievers!
From this...


To this!


So yeah I'm still missing a rear fender, but whatev, it's fantastic. And the greatest thing about a gradual transition like this is every improvement feels like an amazing gain. Slick tires were like a revelation to me mid loaded tour. I just rode this thing all over and couldn't be happier, read more about that here. I was literally giggling at the improvement in handling, zippiness, so on caused by the slicks, toe-straps, and rigid fork. And the customization doesn't have to stop there. Why not throw a fox fork on a Bridgestone MB-2? or drop bars? xtracycle? Or dirt drops? Or make it a fixed gear in the winter? (2 of those ideas are pretty silly, you have to guess which.)

The only downside to these beasts is that they're ridiculous-looking. Nobody sees a beat-up mountainbike and thinks it's cool. Except for bike dorks, who through mystic bike dork powers visualize the adventures accumulated by those scars and invite you to go dumpster diving. Which, once more, is why they're great, because they can be FOUND FOR FREE or $100 virtually everywhere in the world. And if you choose any bike for the cool factor you're freakin' kidding yourself. Because awesomeness is a state of mind, not an object. So gimmie an 80's mountain bike any day.

Unless it's race day. And then they're crazy slow.

*what? you don't have an inner chiding minimalist?

5 comments:

  1. I feel the need to back up my sources.
    In the article, I mentioned a certain Mr. Price owning between 20-30 bikes. Fortuitously, then, stalking his facebook page, I came across this jem, straight from the man himself, an informal bike roster:


    road
    2011 Masi Gran Criterium (lugged steel)
    2006 Raleigh Rush Hour (fixed gear)
    1985 Trek 720 (touring)

    mountain
    2009 Pereira Custom 29" Single Speed (hardtail)
    2008 Gunnar Rock Hound 26" (hardtail)
    1998 Bianchi Grizzly (hardtail converted 2 single speed)

    commuter
    2007 Raleigh One Way (single speed)
    2003 Jamis Coda Elite

    other
    90's Schwinn Orange Krate (reproduction)
    80's Schwinn Classic Cruiser
    80's GT Pro Performer (bmx freestyle)
    1996 DiamondBack VLink 3.0 (converted 2 a snow bike)
    20" Sturmey-Archer three speed (project bike)
    Amber's Schwinn cruiser
    prolly a few more i am 4getting.

    So the actual number is 14+n, n being the number that brian is forgetting. I'm confident that n is substantial. See, from my own casual knowledge of Brian I know there is an unmentioned tallbike who calls Brian his father. Now abandoned bastard or no, that bike is still technically his as far as I'm concerned. Also I'm pretty sure he's got a Cannondale Police bike somewhere to go with his uniform.

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  2. Agreed! After just fixing up a mid '90s diamondback for a friend, I have begun to crave one for my self to fill tho role of... every other bike I don't own yet.

    One concern I have is that you say the tallbike calls Brian his father... I don't know Brian, but I do have suspicions are that in fact it's Brian who calls the tallbike his father. How else could a man be so enraptured, captivated by the worlds most loved machine to the 14+n'th degree. Such an inner connection with the bikes can hot-wire that so-called "inner minimalist" part of the soul.

    That is to say that for some, the task of maintaining so many bikes is a task that has transformed into a relationship. A relationship that over time, has become so role reversed that you begin asking yourself... who is benefitting most from this? The Bikes or the Man?

    Is the man maintaining the bikes, or are the BIKES actually maintaining the man??

    Most people draw the line at 3, 4, 5, 6, or even 7 bikes... but 14+n mean's something different.

    Woah that got deep, fast...

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  3. Keep it coming Todd,
    It's like half of the way through 'Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance' where shit starts to get REALLY META.

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  4. Man, Davey, your love for 80's mountain bikes has really taken off... although you make such valid points (as you always do), I am still utterly interested... does that make me a bad person?

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  5. Nothing could make you a bad person, Joergen. Except for becoming a kingpin in the Eastern European prostitution trade. That'd be pretty lame, bro.

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